I want to start by asking you something about pop music. Is it just me or is everything really shit? I mean Lady Gaga what the fuck is that? I used to think that it couldn't have got any worse when the whole boy band craze happened. Ever noticed how the names of those boy bands always had something to do with their relationship with their managers? The backdoor boys. Take that up your arse. New skids on the cock. Yeah you know if you substitute the word love for drugs in a lot of pop songs they start to make a lot more sense. I give more drugs to you. Everlasting drugs. All you need is drugs.

Yeah but I'm not really here to talk about pop culture am I? What's standup if not a reflection of the fucked up life of the person standing in front of the audience. Or the fucked up audience standing in front of the comic. So for 17 years I've been teaching English to foreign students. You have your good days and your bad days, then you have your reminder days. Like the time when someone in the elevator says "how can you stand teaching them all day long, they're so dopey." I think she might have been on a bit of a racist thing. I mean the building our school occupied was anzac house after all. Most of our students look like the people diggers had been sent overseas to kill. I think most of them survived.

It's not good to stereotype is it? This cliche that asians are all nerdy and studious and smart. Not true at all. I wish some of mine were. At least one of the above anyway. Well some of them are a bit nerdy I suppose. Some of them do have a sense of humour I guess. Like there was one who was telling me he was in a bar, Korean fella he was. He sees this Polish girl he thinks is hot, wants to hit on her but won't make the first move. Later he says "She was very nice, but she doesn't like me because I am fucking asian. Why am I fucking asian."

But at least they give you a bit of respect. Unlike here teachers actually have social standing in asia, as do old people and heterosexual males. Fuck what am I doing in australia? Well you know I got a job, a kid, a one bedroom rented flat. Livin the aussie dream mate. My kid is half thai anyway....and her half sisters on thailand are half chinese/malay. Gets kinda complicated doesn't it? life...

But no point worrying about the complications. Got to focus on the good stuff right? What's the best party you've ever been to eh? Mine was my 30th. I had it in Poland, in Warsaw. Yeah I lived there for a few years anyway...invited all the teachers, all the students. Huge bunch turned up at this big old place that was just so, wreckable. Proper party house. My boss gave me a good present. He gave me a little bag of his favourite home grown buds. How many people can say they have a boss who would do that for you eh? Yeah I bumped into one of my students a few days later in the street. I said "jakub, why didnt you come to my party?" he says I did, I gave you a bottle of champagne and everything." One of my friends was heading home and he was with some girls and one says "if there's stars in the sky how can it be raining". course it wasn't raining, someone was just standing on the balcony giving them a shower. Was quite a chunky shower I heard. I ended up going home with some Russian girl. My girlfriend was really impressed with that I can tell ya. When I got home the next day I tried to sneak in quietly, thinking she'd be asleep. Of course she's wide awake and she says "where the FUCK were you last night". I made up some bullshit excuse and she kinda dropped it after telling me she didn't believe me anyway. Then my mates called much later in the day and asked the same question about my disappearance and I told the same bullcrap story and they said "really?? we thought u were fucking that russian slapper!!"

These days it's so common to meet people online. But I remember...I remember when cyberdating belonged to the realms of the internet badlands. And I was a badlands rider if ever there was one. Yeah hustling, sex addiction, I mean why does get all the attention from the newspapers? I'm sure they'd love to write a piece on me sometime wouldn't they? Just don't know where to look for a good story. Something along the lines of "unknown english teacher goes online looking for sex". Well it's a start.